#sarcasm

Should be exactly what its always been, "The Fleecing of Lumen Humans" . She might as well tell the truth while she lines her pockets.

Stink is a genius, RTO is working!!!

What a way to start the week. I received a personal ecard from BE How sweet, knowing she appreciates me showing up with heart every time

She appreciates everyone, even the Inconsistently meets! That card means so much to me, way better than a salary increase

I'll miss that wretched $&@!/

Great job ! Congratulations to all of you. Exceptional planning and execution! Tony and team, you are showing the retail industry how "The smallest stone can make a ripple in the water". You on on your way to creating a tsunami! Taking the bull by the horns and restructuring with Incredible Insight!

Everyone quit your crying 😢 about RTO and get back to the office five days a week. If the complaints don’t stop you will required to work seven days a week on 12 hour shifts. Oh and no holidays off either!

Welcome to corporate America 🇺🇸!

miss a car payment and car will be repo. If Ford got into the repo gig they could turn around and run these cars they repo through Dealer or Public auctions. If Ford goes the public auction route, they should only sell the repos AS-WHERE IS, no implied warranty what-so-ever.

You have to admit this is a great idea. Not even Dave Calohoun, the train wreck CEO fired by Boeing who's wanting to be named Ford next CEO could have thought of this.

On a scale of 1–10, how much do you actively hate DXC as your employer?

1 = "I wake up weeping but I still log into MS Teams out of sheer muscle memory."

2 = "Every internal email banner triggers a violent somatic response. I have thrown up twice during global town halls."

3 = "I don’t even care about getting another job anymore. I have transitioned into pure, unadulterated spite. My only career goal is to remain on payroll long enough to watch this company default on its office leases."

4 = "I have accepted that this is purgatory. I no longer look at my bank account or the calendar. Time has lost all meaning."

5 = "I am using DXC paid compute landscape to mine crypto as a side hustle."

6 = "I actively feed wrong information to the project managers just to watch the client panic on the weekly sync."

7 = "I am deliberately missing high-severity SLAs, letting tickets rot in the queue to trigger financial penalties big enough to default the company."

8 = "I am actively injecting ransomware and destructive malware into the core delivery pipeline, ensuring our entire environment is completely unrecoverable by morning."

9 = "I am actively feeding my client counterparts the exact internal audit trails, contractual loop-holes and falsified billing logs they need to legally terminate their contracts with DXC for material breach so that I can burn DXC to the ground from the inside out."

10 = "I am actively dropping production databases and deleting backups during peak hours, purposefully disrupting client infrastructure so this entire entity finally collapses into bankruptcy."

Aren't you glad you stayed, to see stock soar; and now get LR'd

Enjoy!

That's what we can find solace in.

Share your thoughts here.

Personally, I so appreciate hearing about our strategy from some dude who has only been here for six months.

A few days of this and I'll feel like I'm paying for the privilege of working.

Someone at the top figured out Nike is not a Tech company.

Good job guys! Keep it up! Great leaders lead to great results! You guys are ki-ling it!

I bet 95% of people do not know and HR is happy that the employees don’t know. So if you are seeking a job and think HR will help you, then get ready for your only contact method to be…. “a ticket”.

Correct me if you have a different experience…

Everything leadership tried failed, it’s the employee fault for not being efficient enough. AI, AI, AI. Saved you an hour.

Best place to work at. /sarcasm

Let’s all be sure to tell them what we really think. I mean, surely they’re gonna care to hear from employees. Right? RIGHT??!! 😝

In the simplest terms: We shall all be laid off as soon as the company can possibly do so.

Certainly McKinsey can get more out of the bottom line by off-shoring Executives who have to read from the teleprompter.

Friday tomorrow. You know what that means. I’ll be in the office at 5AM sharp to drop off my laptop. I’ll connect to the LAN and clear my inbox, then head home around 7 to eat breakfast abs watch the masters. I’ll sit on the couch all day and drink beer as I watch every angle of every shot. Around 1 when I’m on the way out to the bar with the fellas, I’ll stop by the office to pick up my laptop after a solid 8 hours are logged. Nobody I work with is in the same office as me anyway so nobody can even question it. As long as your report shows 8 hours, nothing else matters anymore. I’ll check in again Monday morning. RTO has changed my life and now life is good. All you gotta do is “show up”.

The year is 2030. TMO is the biggest telecom company in the world, Kraft Mac and Cheese is distributed to every citizen as rations, and John Stankey gave himself a raise to 60M annually. John Stankey’s Amdocs contracted private militia has more workers than Dallas PD.

He looks around the office at the 50 remaining AT&T corporate employees with disdain. “I can’t believe Blackrock makes me employ these poors”, he mutters to himself.

The protestors outside Whitacre Tower pile up against the front doors, as Stankey orders his militia to leave none alive.

Frustrated that he still has employees sticking around, Stankey sends a message to his remaining employees. “Your role is now located in Alakanuk, AK. This is so you can collaborate in the office. You have 10 days to relocate or my private guards will execute you.”

Stankey, happy with the hard work he had done, gives himself another 10M dollar raise. Another rewarding day at the office, and the 10 individual shareholders left in the world applaud him for his integral role in ending the age of employing “Human Resources”.

Way to go team! Our commercial team over delivered and we got a $900 million loss.

Let’s keep this momentum so we can continue to pay our ELT millions!

Best Practices in 2026: Opening an account with client consent.

I made best of belk this time! I get an extra 10% off and a secret lunch with the store manager at The Golden Corral! Those people who didn’t make best of belk can kiss my butt! I am somebody, I knew this day would come!!!

The U.S. version of the 2026 Employee Engagement Survey will have two questions:

1. Why the heck are you still working here? Please leave.

2. What else can we do to you and your peers, in order to get you dummies to quit? We'll try anything!

We Put People First
It's the companies time to make employees feel valued for their efforts! Workers are foundational to corporate success, so it's important to make them feel empowered and valued.

We Power Potential
Unfortunately all the toilets exploded in the Englewood Office while scheduled repairs were being done, and let me say the smell was nefarious and permeated the entire office.

We Value Diversity
At the water cooler, the horrible smell was all people were discussing. This is much different than normal mutual agreement of how much time and energy is wasted sitting in traffic . With these new conversations about the smell of human waste, I have some new business solutions. Truly water cooler conversations are critical to business success, and I'm frankly surprised we even schedule meetings anymore when we all know without the water cooler, we could not succeed.

We Do the Right Thing
I can think of no better irony or metaphor to USBs RTO approach. Employees are forced drive to work, with skyrocketing gas prices, during dangerous protests, and in in climate weather - all to take remote meetings in a a noisy distracting environment, that smells like human waste.

We Value Diversity
But that's just the smell of collaboration! And an accurate reflection on how much the company values the contributions and work that actually builds the company.

We Stay a Step Ahead
Sure the bathroom maintenance could have been done the previous weekend or after business hours, but how could we smell our own success if we did it while people weren't there to enjoy it.

It's amazing how many high performers suddenly become "low performers" when it's time for cuts. Every single time.

Verizon has a long history of successful execution on transformative and bold initiatives at scale. From go90, aol, yahoo, plus play, hum, blue jeans, finance transformation, Verizon global services, return to office, project 626 for customer service, and more - we have a record we can be proud of. Our leaders are experts in organizing teams in ways that result in role clarity, expertise, and results. This winning culture will do the same for our transformative AI initiatives. I have zero doubt how this will play out. Let’s go team!

just saying

You know - increased efficiency, better outcomes. Measurable effects of increased collaboration. By how much people became more creative and better at problem solving. And of course, how much happier and healthier we are from coming into the office and being around other people.

I can only speak for myself. My life has improved immensely. I'm positively cheerful. I get excited every time I pull into a gas station to tank up. I've made so many new friends! Doesn't matter that none of them are on my team. I barely see my family anymore, but socializing in the office is a fair tradeoff. And where else would I find time to listen to my favorite podcasts if not during my hour-plus commute? So many improvements!

..slackers, all of you. /s

Popular Stank Patrick's sayings and their real meanings.

"May the road rise to meet you." – Have fun on your RTO commute

"A best friend is like a four-leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have." – You'll have a chance to make friends in the office.

"May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live." – Stop stealing office supplies.

"May your heart be light and happy, may your smile be big and wide, and may your pockets always have a coin or two inside!" – Two coins. That's your raise.

"Don’t be breaking your shin on a stool that’s not in your way." – You're not getting workmen's comp.

"May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow." – Yeah, there's a lot of mold in the buildings but we're not cleaning them.

Feeling Optumistic yet?

Is it just me, or did they literally name the flagship product to rhyme with Titanic? 🚢💀 At least they’re being honest about the iceberg. 🧊

While the rest of us are getting "The Email" 📧👋 and watching the rolling layoffs like it’s a Netflix horror special, "Leadership" is out here doing the most:

The Strategy: Selling vaporware that doesn’t exist.

The Pivot: Sprinkling "AI" on the trash fire to hide the smell. 🤖💩

The Grind: Posting "Inspirational" LinkedIn thought-leadership slop while the actual product hasn't been updated since the Stone Age.

And we HAVE to talk about our favorite "30 Under 30" Queen. 👑✨ After absolutely nuking the Product Roadmap into the sun, she’s been promoted to "Head of Strategy." 🤡

WTF does that even mean? Is the strategy just "How to fail upward while keeping a curated aesthetic"? Asking for a friend. 💅

How many of you were appreciated by losing your job?

new math

(A message from the very tired Paul Revere of HR)

Greetings, Esteemed Anonymous Contributors,

We at BNY Mellon are delighted — truly delighted — to discover this vibrant digital community dedicated to spirited discussions about our organizational “evolutionary workforce optimization cycles” (a phrase we prefer over the less nuanced term layoffs).

While we typically communicate through carefully curated press releases and town halls where no one answers questions, today we bravely venture into the wild frontier of anonymous internet forums to “set the record straight.”

First, we want to assure you that we absolutely, unequivocally, categorically do not monitor this site. We would never assign interns to track sentiment, #hashtag labels categorize emotional volatility, or flag posts containing the words “reorg,” “offshoring,” or “my manager hasn’t made eye contact in three weeks.” Any suggestion that we do so is purely speculative and frankly flattering. We appreciate the vote of confidence in our operational capabilities.

Now, regarding the persistent rumors of layoffs:

We hear you.
We value you.
We appreciate your passion for rumor‑based fearmongering and forecasting.

But let us be clear: layoffs at BNY Mellon are not “layoffs.” They are strategic talent recalibrations designed to ensure we remain competitive in a rapidly evolving financial ecosystem. Think of it like pruning a tree — except the tree is you, and the pruning shears are held by someone who has never met you but has strong opinions about your cost‑to‑productivity ratio.

Some of you have expressed concern that these recalibrations seem to occur annually, quarterly, monthly or whenever the stock price declines a tick or the EC gets bored. We assure you this is not the case. Our workforce decisions are guided by a sophisticated algorithm that considers dozens of factors, including market conditions, operational efficiency, and whether your department head recently attended a conference about Eliza, AI investment and Build'26 automation. All neatly tied to your stretch 2026 Workday performance objectives which you are guaranteed not to meet.

We also want to address the perception that leadership communications lack transparency. This is simply not true. Our leaders are deeply committed to transparency, as demonstrated by their frequent use of phrases like “we’re on a journey,” “we’re transforming,” and “we’re excited about the future.” If you find these statements vague, that is because true transparency requires a certain level of abstraction. We cannot reveal everything — not because we don’t trust you, but because we don’t want to spoil the surprise ending.

Some users here have suggested that morale is low. We find this surprising, given our robust suite of employee engagement initiatives, including:

• Mandatory town halls and BK Live events with your favorite EC team
• Mandatory RTO days with no WFH or controlled WFA days
• Mandatory mindfulness webinars held during lunch
• Emails reminding you to take PTO while simultaneously increasing your workload
• Town halls where questions are pre‑screened to ensure no one accidentally asks something real
• Leadership videos filmed in front of abstract art to symbolize “innovation”
• Free donut Thursdays and of course our deliciously brewed coffee and Kool-Aid!

We believe these initiatives demonstrate our unwavering commitment to your well‑being.

We also want to dispel the myth that offshoring is replacing domestic roles. This is a misunderstanding. We are not replacing roles — we are globalizing opportunities. If your job responsibilities now reside in another hemisphere, consider it a testament to your influence. You have gone international and are now deemed export-worthy.

Finally, we’d like to address the recurring theme that BNY Mellon prioritizes profits over people. This is a mischaracterization. We value people immensely — especially the ones who help us achieve profits. Without profits, how could we continue investing in the technologies that allow us to reduce the number of people we need? It’s a beautiful, self‑sustaining cycle of innovation and involuntary career mobility.

In closing, we thank you for your continued engagement, even if it occurs on a social media platform we definitely do not read. Your feedback is invaluable, your dedication is inspiring, and your speculation is… spirited.

Please remember:

We are all in this together — though some of us are in it more temporarily than others.

Warmest corporate regards,
BNY Mellon (Hypothetically and Definitely not Legally)

so you can spend more time strategically homeless.