#sarcasm

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Job Posting: CTC Specialist — Master of Buzzwords

Location: Anywhere with Wi-Fi
Type: Full-Time Pretender
Salary: Competitive (based on how well you talk the talk)

About Us:
We’re a BIG Financial Giant that thrives on jargon, acronyms, and PowerPoint slides. CTC's mission is to empower professional floaters to synergize scalable paradigms across decentralized ecosystems — without ever delivering a single measurable outcome. Our CTC team is the backbone of our security theater — ensuring that every checkbox is ticked, every policy is drafted, and every meeting is held… twice. CTC monetizes confusion. We are paid to create frameworks, policies, and roadmaps that sound impressive but are impossible to implement. Our secret sauce? A workforce of career floaters who can talk for hours without saying anything.

Job Description:
We’re seeking hundreds and thousands of CTC Specialist globally who excel at appearing busy while contributing absolutely nothing of substance. If you’ve mastered the art of nodding thoughtfully in meetings, quoting outdated frameworks, and forwarding emails without reading them — you’re our kind of person.

Responsibilities:
Attend daily standups and say “we’re still aligning on that.”
Copy-paste NIST and ISO standards into documents no one reads.
Create risk matrices that look impressive but mean nothing.
Audit systems you don’t understand using tools you’ve never used.
Delay projects by insisting on “governance reviews.”
Speak confidently about zero-day exploits without knowing what they are.
Collect certificates like Pokémon cards — CISSP, CISM, CEH — but never touch a command line.

Qualifications:
Bachelor's degree in Cyber Pretendology or related field.
5+ years of experience in looking busy.
Fluent in buzzwords: “cyber security,” “attack,” “robust,” “scalable.”
Ability to turn simple problems into multi-departmental crises.
Must have at least 3 certifications and 0 hands-on experience.

Perks:
Unlimited meetings.
Free coffee to fuel your empty reports.
A team that values appearance over impact.
Annual performance reviews based on how well you deflect blame.

Our Work Force
CTC Specialists who audit systems they’ve never logged into.
Program Managers who manage programs that don’t exist.
Governance Leads who govern nothing but their own egos.
Innovation Evangelists who preach disruption while avoiding execution.

Each employee is equipped with:
A LinkedIn profile full of buzzwords.
A calendar booked solid with recurring syncs.
A folder of half-finished slide decks.
A deep fear of accountability.

#Sarcasm

Can HP Save Us? A Silent Prayer to HP.

Almighty HP,

Thou who reigneth over toner and thermal ink,
Thou who bringeth forth print queues that actually work,
Hear our humble cry from the land of Xerox,
Where synergy hath failed and margins hath vanished.

We beseech thee, O Hewlett of Packard,
Stretch forth thy mighty acquisition arm,
And rescue us from the abyss of badge-engineered Kyoceras,
From the prophets of reinvention who speaketh only in buzzwords.

Deliver us from the quarterly earnings calls,
Where hope goeth to die and EBITDA is but a ghost.
Save us from the junk bond wilderness,
Where our stock price wandereth like a lost sheep.

Grant unto us thy divine roadmap,
With real strategy, not PowerPoint sorcery.
Let thy firmware be stable, thy drivers compatible,
And thy leadership possesseth a moral compass.

If it be thy will, absorb us into thy portfolio,
That we may once again know the joy of working printers,
The peace of meaningful synergy,
And the blessed silence of not having to explain OEMS again.

In toner we trust,
Amen.

Brought to you by a humble Xerox employee trying to use AI. Hello, is this thing on?

#Poem #Poetry #Sarcasm

@Original poster - whoever you are, thanks for this post. A good dose of #humor and #sarcasm is always the best way to deliver constructive criticism.

This is a great example of what is wrong with our society today. They take at face value what they read. There is no way in he-l, the OP was serious with this post given the morale at Cisco.
Suggestion to get around people's inability to recognize Sarcasm or Satire -- Add #Satire, #Sarcasm to your post.
They still won't get it, esp 60% of the people left at Cisco, but at least the other 40% of us will get it. :)
Btw -- this post is NOT either of those #'s. It's #seriouslymeant

Of course, it’s not their fault we don’t know how to execute their brilliant ideas. #sarcasm

@1yvm+1pg1S4y7 , no need for screaming for admin, as this was clearly sarcastic post. Btw, tagging something with "#admin" doesn't summon admins, it just pins your post to the certain hashtag page. See #sarcasm tag for more info.

I think back to well over 15 years ago. Our training consisted of watching vhs videos of Tim and Johnny belk explain some basic handbook policy in a very wooden manner, an embarrassing video of older women rapping about gift wrapping, and that was about it. They either put us in a truck with a pallet jack and said, "Load up pallets with boxes, bring them out and sort them", or put us at a register and said, "Here, if you have any questions, call a manager."

I'd train those new people, alright. Just like management did us at the end of my "tenure": I'd sit back, eat biscuits, sip iced latte, and point at stuff and say, "Straighten that up", or, "Get some windex and clean that wrap stand".

Oh, the good times we had! #Sarcasm

I’m still confused on how we were actually capable of providing an official number to the government. On every call, every Exec, RM, and every other HR person indicated that they didn’t know the exact number of reductions and didn’t even have enough info to provide an educated guess. Did they really know and just not want to tell us? #sarcasm I guess we’ll be left in the dark on wether 700 is all of them or just R3.