Almighty HP,
Thou who reigneth over toner and thermal ink,
Thou who bringeth forth print queues that actually work,
Hear our humble cry from the land of Xerox,
Where synergy hath failed and margins hath vanished.
We beseech thee, O Hewlett of Packard,
Stretch forth thy mighty acquisition arm,
And rescue us from the abyss of badge-engineered Kyoceras,
From the prophets of reinvention who speaketh only in buzzwords.
Deliver us from the quarterly earnings calls,
Where hope goeth to die and EBITDA is but a ghost.
Save us from the junk bond wilderness,
Where our stock price wandereth like a lost sheep.
Grant unto us thy divine roadmap,
With real strategy, not PowerPoint sorcery.
Let thy firmware be stable, thy drivers compatible,
And thy leadership possesseth a moral compass.
If it be thy will, absorb us into thy portfolio,
That we may once again know the joy of working printers,
The peace of meaningful synergy,
And the blessed silence of not having to explain OEMS again.
In toner we trust,
Amen.
Brought to you by a humble Xerox employee trying to use AI. Hello, is this thing on?