#sarcasm

Now can he be fired.

Enron, what happened and what we can learn from it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMj0t2Vsyvs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gsep6Z19vc

apparently one fiserv is short for $1 fiserv

Why does every layoff post on LinkedIn sound like: "Oh, I am devastated to be impacted… but eternally grateful for this opportunity to realign my professional synergy?"...

Bro, you got laid off, not inducted into the Hall of Transformational Growth Fame.

It’s okay to just say it phaking ssu-ks...

The only good thing at Verizon.

Effective immediately, you will be chained to your desks upon arrival to work. Please plan your wardrobe appropriately to accommodate this change. Upon completion of your work day, please ensure your manager approves your work as being complete for the day so you may be unchained from your desk. You will be given exactly 5 minutes to walk from your desk to your transportation. If you need additional time, you will need a doctor’s note explaining why. Failure to comply will result in you being referred to HR and written up. Please note all bathroom breaks, lunch breaks, or desk-side chats not pertaining to work-related activities will be deducted from your total work time for the day, so plan accordingly.

Further, in addition to the surveillance software already installed on your computing devices that track and read your every typed word and mouse click, we are now introducing new surveillance hardware and software to our environment. There will now be surveillance cameras installed in all cubicles, offices, and conference rooms. There will also be new, state of the art thought monitoring hardware and software installed.

If you are found to have spoken about or thought about layoffs, talking to the media about layoffs, how poorly you are treated at work, updating your resume, interviewing for jobs outside of the firm, or any other matters outside of your work for Stifel, you will be referred to HR and written up.

Last, anyone at the director level or above will be issued a whip. Should your work performance become unsatisfactory, you will be summarily whipped and beaten until you come into compliance with workplace standards. Should you require this beating to be handled privately, a psychiatrist’s note will be required. A woodshed is being built to accommodate this requirement.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter, and please remember what a privilege it is to work for such a great employer.

PS. If you've read this far, this post is sarcasm and is in response to the "ATTN STIFEL EMPLOYEES" post that was from yesterday. Enjoy, and have a nice day.

This "RPM" announcement sure if making me feel in Good Hands and like Allstate really cares for my well-being and work life balance!

I love being expected to babysit shops on top of investigating liability, handling claimant rental, and just all the other joys of my job!

/s

I seent a former C suite employee, who ran another E&P company into the ground and got laid off, at a Loves Truck Stop. Had that cheesy grin and walked a little light in the loaders so yup just another Saturday night for him.

Every year we get work work and responsibilities and get paid less (when you take in account inflation and less bonuses) f this place

Be Mike

Destroy your ability to explore to such a degree that you have to purchase companies and talent just to compete.

Destroy your talent pipeline through repeated reorgs and attrition so that the least qualified are the only ones that remain.

Move regional jobs offshore to nations where turnover is high, official holidays are numerous, and most importantly are experiencing massive rates of resume / experience fraud.

Create a work environment where people are demoralized, distracted, and distressed.

Cut or degrade meaningful benefits that help people deal with stress and mental health issues in their private lives often caused by the realities of their work lives.

Blame the U.S. workforce when incidents occur.

Rinse & repeat.

Recently posted, in part, on LinkedIn:

“…AT&T leadership continues to set the gold standard in recognizing and rewarding its people. Their unwavering commitment to appreciation and employee happiness is what fuels our culture of excellence. When you feel seen, valued, and celebrated, you bring your best—and that’s exactly what we do.

I’m beyond proud to be part of a company that invests in its people and celebrates every chapter of their story. “

WOW.

Speechless. Though I did throw up in my mouth a little.

Right... PTO is for taking time off. BUT BUT.... when you start measuring 15 minute increments to adhere to the new rules....sounds like clocking in to me! Give me a break people - those of you who have not yet experienced the wrath of the RTO.... yep you just wait. Sounds like Chicken Little syndrome.

OK then. Call later when you are dinged at review time for stupid infractions that are measured by.....UH HUH....the key card.

"Gosh Blake....you didn't meet your in-office requirements on 10/30/25. Its in Workday. As your manager, I'm REQUIRED to drop your rating. Before you did everything we expected and I had you as a MEETS. But by HR requirements I have to drop you to a "INCONSISTENT MEETS". I'm sorry Blake, I like you, I really do. But I have no choice in this matter."

"But Sir, Sir! I've done everything! Even when my first born was coming out, I was working an issue for the bank!"

"Blake, it doesn't matter. I'm sorry. There is nothing I can do. You should have clocked in earlier or came in for another day for a longer period."

"In fact, we are on a bell curve. This means I have to rate everyone, and you, because you missed 15 minutes on a 3 day period, you are now summarily dismissed".

"But Sir!! I've done everything you've asked! I stayed late! I didn't bottle feed my kid because you needed me! My wife (bless her soul) had to stand in!

"Isn't my sacrifice worth anything? Anything at all?"

"No Blake, I have no choice in this matter, I'm sorry. Pack your stuff, you are done"

Fade to black....yep. That's it folks.

IMHO

Employee survey results woke him up

Do we get to pick a cube anywhere in the building? This is almost as exciting as deciding where to park all my brand new cars. Oh wait.

Here's a serious thought if you end up getting a layoff notice from Starbucks. You can tailor your Starbucks resume to make yourself attractive to become a Coal miner. Every Coal Mine in West Virginia is hiring right now. The Coal mines are looking for people for entry-level, mid-level and experienced coal miners. There is lots of overtime offered if you want that too.
A coal mining job is a real job that requires hard work for good pay. It will be a huge shock to most Starbuckers, because accepting your Starbucks job you expected you could just skate by.
If you move to West Virginia to become a coal miner. In six months, you would have plenty of money saved to go out and buy yourself a brand-new Ford 150 or Chevy Silverado truck. You can then put your truck to good use with weekend outings to go hiking, camping fishing, hunting or skiing too.

I strongly recommend all you Starbuckers bag Seattle and move to West Virginia to become a coal miner, even if you don't get laid-off at Starbucks. A big plus in moving to West Virginia is the people in West Virginia are much friendlier than people in Seattle. Plus, it does not rain all the time in West Virginia like it does in Seattle.

When I worked in ECMO, I noticed that every single manager and team lead had a photo of their family for their computer wallpaper. Isn't that weird? What's that all about? Do they get a memo saying something along the lines of, "Now that you're a manager...", or do they just tribalistically recognize the "family values" hokum? Seriously makes Wells Fargo seem like a cult. Is it this way at all large corporations?

All New Product Development and lab personnel in Novi, Michigan have been given their walking papers.

Thoughts and prayers to Lal, whose compensation was 20MM in 2024 (up from 18MM in 23 and 15MM in 22).

Maybe we can get a gofundme started for him to avoid more layoffs?

Wow check it out

https://www.efinancialcareers.com/news/andy-sieg-citi-sarcasm

Dear UHC? Is this really happening?

I actually love this approach. It’s like a Hallmark channel for corporate PR: scripted, heartwarming, and just enough to distract from the plot twist nobody asked about.

Are you excited to go to the office? All the free coffee!

Xoxo Robin 😘😘😘

All I hear all day is lonely people rambling instead of working.

Is the drag on this great company.

28+ years of hard-work, dedication, respect for management , keeping Larry in prayers gone down with less than 2 minutes of a call with unknown je-k. Voila network disconnected in < 5 minutes. Was part of R&D. Wall Street reporters should makes noise on what's going on with the company Anyone here ! Mr. L has to support his 5/6 bride (Elephant is out of hat & you did not hear from me) !!

Can we trade Def Leopard for Presidents Club? Pour some Sugar on the people who earned it!! Bring it back!

……..was the one who sold HCL to Hans and Kyle. Good lord, when Accenture left I thought it couldn’t get any worse……then HCL happened and their “incredible” managed service team came onboard and is causing perhaps the worst experience for clients I’ve ever witnessed in my years here.

EH is somewhere out there crying up a storm at the fact that he has to cut you loose tomorrow. Reflect on the toll these layoffs have on your CEO.. Poor JD lost a whole pound of flesh last year.

That’s all….

I want to be like him!

https://www.linkedin.com/posts/michael-mustian-6217831a8_energytransition-career-activity-7351836054280208384--XU4

So was so in touch with us; she understood our pain. I thought it was so awesome when she said "If you don't like it here, you can leave". Such poetry and compassion.

It is lame now that Intel is no longer on the DOW and no longer needs to compete to survive. They should move Intel Layoff board to the Federal Government Layoff board

Hey y’all! Hoping you had a relaxing Labor Day weekend - I hope this Labor Day allowed you what I call the “3 Rs” - it brought you time to recharge, reflect, and reconnect with what matters to you most. My fourth “R”? “Remember” to sign your severance or demotion package today by 11:59 pm CST.

Enough about a holiday that celebrates the American workers contributions. It was Women’s Equality Day last Tuesday so I wanted to celebrate a few of my favorite heroines in “Herstory” (aka History). But before I do, I need to address a question I keep getting. You all know I didn’t take the last name of my husband. That would not be progressive. Many of you ask, “Penny, why hasn’t he taken your last name?” Well…I’ve been championing this change for years but he’s a stubborn man!

Let’s look back in time to a few females I respect:

Marie Antoinette - she is famous for saying, “Let them eat cake”, when the French people were starving, and living in inflation, and many in squalor. For some reason the French citizenry didn’t like the royal coffers being filled at their expense. What? I call that “Penny Economics” or what some of you may call trickle down theory - demote and take away the current peasants earnings and use those funds to pay people’s severance. Oh…I’d be remiss in not saying this…”Cake” means “Crumbs” so when you are trying to put a Christma…I mean a Holiday dinner on the table, you can tell your kids and spouse, “Let them eat cake!”. One foot note - I’m not a fan of how the French people treated her. She was a visionary.

Catherine the Great - ahhh…now let’s talk about humble swagger. She was the empress of Russia from 1762 to 1796. She came to power after overthrowing her husband, Peter III. Talk about moxy! And I like the ring of her title…”Penny the Great”. I digress, apologies. She is often included in the ranks of the enlightened despots…like me! But, just like me, an evaluation of her foreign policy was completed and it was considered a dishonest one. Catherine failed to reach any of the initial goals she had put forward. And just like me - Catherine lacked a long-term strategy and from the very start was characterized by a series of mistakes. She imposed a comprehensive system of state regulation of merchants’ activities. It was a failure because it narrowed and stifled entrepreneurship and did not reward economic development. Catherine called in “Russia Reimagined”.

Those are just two women I wanted to celebrate since we missed recognizing last weeks holiday. Next week I’ll highlight Amelia Earhart’s exceptional aviation skills.

As I wrap up and focus on business, I wanted to share a few more changes in 2026:

• The “Toast to Ted” will be retired and there will be a mandated “Toast to Penny” at regional events.
• We are working on standing-up a BRG for the Demoted.

Enjoy Labor Day today as you reflect on your years of service and don’t forget. “Qu’ils mangent de La brioche”

Don't worry. Everything is gonna be normal, easy, smooth after layoffs, emotions, reorgs.

Hahahahahaha.

Enjoy the misery of tryin' to get anything done in the new situations. For many it will be demoralizing, depressing, and a kick in the teethies.

Those who get to leave are the winners.

Ford is doing very well, so Jim has time for his Bronco road trip!

Thats all I have to say

Not sure if she is using a Chinese beauty camera though

please.

To incentivize the slaves back to the office, lets have a monthly meat raffle - sponsored by Trump steaks. The money raised can be used to keep Intel afloat and the winner gets the world's greatest steaks (Certified Aged Angus Beef Prime) and the best tasting most flavorful beef you've ever had, five star gourmet and truly in a league of their own. This is a win win partnership. Believe me.

Team,

I’m thrilled to announce the next bold chapter in our Enterprise Reimagined journey — where we say goodbye to thousands of human jobs (who needs empathy and judgment anyway?) and hello to cutting-edge AI systems that, according to MIT, will have a 95% chance of failing.

Yes, you heard that right: we are betting the firm’s future on technology that is statistically less reliable than flipping a coin. But that’s what innovation looks like! Remember, it’s not about efficiency, it’s about buzzwords — and boy, do we have plenty: synergy, disruption, automation, transformation. Sprinkle in a little “machine learning” and Wall Street can’t resist.

We call this strategy:
👉 “Automate the Ordinary, Humanize the Extraordinary.”
Translation: “Automate your job, humanize my bonus.”

And don’t worry, to prove we’re serious, we’re reinvesting the savings into AI pilots that will definitely, absolutely, probably not work — just like the MIT researchers said. But hey, even if 95% of these projects flop, we still get to put “AI-powered” in our press releases, and that’s what really matters.

So please join me in celebrating this exciting new future where our clients get chatbots that can’t remember last Tuesday, our advisors get tools that crash at quarter-end, and our remaining employees get to explain to robots why they still don’t understand Canadian tax law.

Together, let’s reimagine Edward Jones: leaner, meaner, and powered by AI that can’t do your job — but, fortunately for us, can still replace you anyway.

Sincerely (and with great synergy),
Penny “AI-Is-My-Strategy” Pennington

Here’s a tip. If you don’t want to be RIFd, friend your manager on Facebook. Those people are never let go. FACT!

Get up every day “drive” to your office , do your job , keep your mouth closed or leave . I have never encountered so many lazy , lack of work ethic , no morals and lack of character people in my life . If you spent a quarter of the time doing your job instead of constantly complaining you could be very successful.