Location: Anywhere with Wi-Fi
Type: Full-Time Pretender
Salary: Competitive (based on how well you talk the talk)
About Us:
We’re a BIG Financial Giant that thrives on jargon, acronyms, and PowerPoint slides. CTC's mission is to empower professional floaters to synergize scalable paradigms across decentralized ecosystems — without ever delivering a single measurable outcome. Our CTC team is the backbone of our security theater — ensuring that every checkbox is ticked, every policy is drafted, and every meeting is held… twice. CTC monetizes confusion. We are paid to create frameworks, policies, and roadmaps that sound impressive but are impossible to implement. Our secret sauce? A workforce of career floaters who can talk for hours without saying anything.
Job Description:
We’re seeking hundreds and thousands of CTC Specialist globally who excel at appearing busy while contributing absolutely nothing of substance. If you’ve mastered the art of nodding thoughtfully in meetings, quoting outdated frameworks, and forwarding emails without reading them — you’re our kind of person.
Responsibilities:
Attend daily standups and say “we’re still aligning on that.”
Copy-paste NIST and ISO standards into documents no one reads.
Create risk matrices that look impressive but mean nothing.
Audit systems you don’t understand using tools you’ve never used.
Delay projects by insisting on “governance reviews.”
Speak confidently about zero-day exploits without knowing what they are.
Collect certificates like Pokémon cards — CISSP, CISM, CEH — but never touch a command line.
Qualifications:
Bachelor's degree in Cyber Pretendology or related field.
5+ years of experience in looking busy.
Fluent in buzzwords: “cyber security,” “attack,” “robust,” “scalable.”
Ability to turn simple problems into multi-departmental crises.
Must have at least 3 certifications and 0 hands-on experience.
Perks:
Unlimited meetings.
Free coffee to fuel your empty reports.
A team that values appearance over impact.
Annual performance reviews based on how well you deflect blame.
Our Work Force
CTC Specialists who audit systems they’ve never logged into.
Program Managers who manage programs that don’t exist.
Governance Leads who govern nothing but their own egos.
Innovation Evangelists who preach disruption while avoiding execution.
Each employee is equipped with:
A LinkedIn profile full of buzzwords.
A calendar booked solid with recurring syncs.
A folder of half-finished slide decks.
A deep fear of accountability.