Below are all the posts — topics as well as replies — that mention the hashtag #sarcasm.
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I’ll sum the email up for you quickly:
“You American employees are too expensive and we need to make the stock price go up, we’re going to be spending the next 24 months laying off as many of you as possible to be replaced with AI and/or cheap India labor”
I appreciate the heads up, but a 2 year timeline is crazy.
Alright let’s get that network in tip top shape union men. Clean those fibers, wait for those trouble tickets and scan those 5 dollar jumper cables. Those managers need billable work we can do it. Lets create those tickets to make us look busy we can do it!
To: My Valued Cost-Centers (Employees),
Happy New Year! As I sit here in my climate-controlled, triple-glazed corner suite, watching the sunrise over the yacht club, I couldn't help but feel a fleeting sense of warmth—though that may have just been the heated massage function on my Italian leather chair.
2026 is the year of Synergy, Sacrifice, and Shareholder Supremacy.
The Triumph of the Office Return
I want to personally congratulate those of you who have successfully navigated the commute to join us in the office at least 3 days a week. Seeing you all hunched over your laptops, participating in Teams meetings with the person sitting three feet away, truly warms my heart. It’s that "water cooler magic" we talked about—even if the water cooler was removed to make room for another row of unassigned lockers.
I’m aware that some of you have complained about the Hot-Desking Lottery. Look at it as a daily adventure! Will you find a desk with a working monitor today? Or will you spend your morning playing "musical chairs" with a tangled nest of broken HDMI cables? If you find yourself working from the broom closet again, just remember: it’s not a "broom closet," it’s a Cozy Collaboration Pod™.
Efficiency: Our North Star
While you are busy creating value for our institutional investors, I have been busy ideating. To ensure we are squeezing every drop of "lemonade" out of our human capital, I am thrilled to announce several Employee Wellness & Productivity Initiatives for Q1:
Bio-Break Benchmarking: We’ve noticed a slight dip in keystrokes during mid-morning. To help you stay on track, we are installing "Smart-Flush" sensors. If a restroom visit exceeds the mandated 120-second "Standard Relief Window," an automated alert will be sent to your manager to discuss your time-management skills.
The "Big Wael" Policy: In the spirit of your favorite office slang, we’re aiming for maximum efficiency in all... movements. If you’re going to "take a Big Wael," please ensure you’ve pre-filed a "Functional Downtime" request. We wouldn't want your lack of productivity to be as disappointing as a stagnant stock price.
Oxygen Optimization: Studies show that humans exhale carbon dioxide, which is bad for the environment (and our ESG score). We are considering a "Breath-Per-Minute" tax to encourage calm, shallow, and highly efficient respiration while at your desks.
Vertical Desking: Why sit or stand when you can lean? We are replacing chairs with 75-degree padded planks to ensure no one gets too comfortable. Comfort is the enemy of the 52-week high.
Looking Ahead
Remember, every time you struggle to find a functional mouse or spend 45 minutes looking for a stapler, a shareholder somewhere gets their wings (or a slightly larger dividend). You aren't just "employees"; you are the fuel we burn to reach the moon.
Now, stop reading this and get back to your Teams call. I can see your "Active" status flickering from here.
In Solidarity (With the Board),
The CEO
lol all they do is have “meetings” about work other people do and then eat expensive food on the company dime and fly around
He only has $700 million. We need to get him to a billion.
That Brian gets another 28% raise. He really needs it. I'm cool with being overlooked for any merit increases or standard of living adjustment. Brian's well being means too much for me to accept anything less for him.
It look a lot of Leadership, apathetic employees, meetings, PowerPoints, bad ideas and ineffective and incapable management to accomplish this ! # PEPPROUD
Except for Sheety, Jon Freier, Mike Katz, Jeff Simon, and Deanne.
It’s been a long time since the last reminder that the “leaders” of L and D are still not accomplishing anything.
They are trying hard so I guess they deserve a participation trophy. Bless their hearts.
Merry Christmas to my underlings,
Let’s be clear: your output this year has been underwhelming at best. You have not fully committed to inspiring and building better lives and communities; and frankly, it’s embarrassing. I need you to work harder next year so my bonus doesn’t suffer because of your mediocrity.
Despite the fact that none of you have earned it, I might throw you a 1% raise, and that’s a big might. That goodwill evaporates the moment I hear another word about the 5-day RTO. I’m beyond tired of the whining, the entitlement, and the endless complaining. Do your jobs, show up where you’re told, and keep your opinions to yourselves.
Go ahead and enjoy whatever time you have with your families now, because starting next week your time belongs to me. Don’t get comfortable, don’t get ideas, and don’t forget who signs the checks.
Sincerely,
Bill
I will go first.
What is the name of the company invading the privacy of former employees and stealing intellectual property from them?
If your answer is correct then you will hear popping sounds inside your house.
Happy Holidays!
And looking to 2026.
Have the traditional Christmas layoffs started yet?
Hey Y'all!
To celebrate the upcoming Holidays and our new ad campaign, I wanted to share with you how I found my rich in 2025:
How will you Find Your Rich?
The only thing he’s doing is planning ahead for the 2026 layoffs in January
What piece of art would you select - I vote for we are a family...
Real players are Aruba going forward, and he's the guy where they pull the string on his back and watch the show for a few minutes. You can tell he's just copying himself, wondering how to get a seat at the adults table for the big dinner.
https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinfuriating/comments/1phglwz/honestly_im_enraged/
https://x.com/LeadingReport/status/1997711038566027389
Nearly a billion in costs for rebranding has really turned the company around! All my friends neighbors and family love the new color and tell me all the time how they my employer, netflix. Thanks Leslie!
*. DAN LIKES TO SIP COFFEE LOUDLY INTO HIS MIC
*. DON'T BE LATE TO DAN'S MEETING BY EVEN 1 MINUTE. BUT EXPECT HIM TO HAVE AWKWARD LONG PAUSES DURING HIS MEETING CAUSING HIM TO GO OVER BY THREE MINUTES.
*. AI AND ROBOTS WILL TAKE OUR JOBS.
*. DAN WANTS TO REVOLUTIONIZE VZ WITH AI. BUT HE DOESN'T DON SLACK AND HE PREFERS LETTERS.
*. EVERYTHING ABOUT HAN'S VERIZON WAS HORRIBLE INCLUDING PERFORMANCE, CULTURE, EMPLOYEES. THE BOARD MEMBERS WERE EXCELLENT HOWEVER.
*. AI IS
I'll admit it, I was a denier...it rubbed me the wrong way...then I started to realize that it was ME that was ruining the company. Forgive me ML...I'll be better and THEN we'll get this stock back to $200 so you and your family can vacation in Switzerland while I stick around and make you richer! Truly blessed
I'm sure all of us are so grateful that the company is doing so well and that nothing's wrong and that the leadership's competent and that we don't have to fear layoffs every single day or anything like that. This place is just amazing. Sarcasm, just in case it's not blatantly clear.
Did everyone get laid off? Its been like 4 hours since someone's complained about ML or said 60 for 6 lmaooooo
Well, 2025 is almost over and Belk has survived another year ! It’s amazing how we can keep cutting, year after year, and everything seems to just function fine. well, ok not fine, but belk is still operating! Soon we will have no employees working at all, we are now thinking of using chimpanzees in place of human beings, what do to all think? I think it’s a winning idea !!!
2026 should be a year of dramatic cuts.. first I would like to have absolutely no visual merchandising standards in stores. I have the brilliant idea of throwing all merchandise inside of large bins and let all customers fight over it. Kind of like a scavenger hunt? What do you think? As far as benefits and pay increases are concerned, I want to cut cut cut cut cut…..let’s offer the standard 2% raise, but then cut paid time off even more! What a brilliant idea! Here I am babbling on and on.. as far as Belk’s top brass is concerned, it’s been a great year!, six and seven figure salaries, top tier benefits, bonuses and lots of perks, I hope everyone will enjoy their store meals on Black Friday! Don’t forget to keep the cost under $9.99 per person!!!! Deli meat, cr--kers, and Kool Aid should be in the menu! gobble gobble, kluck, kluck…
Hugs and Kisses,
Donnie
Leadership remind me of Mortimer and Winthrop in Trading Places
Already was running the place with duct tape and crazy glue. I'm sure this will "delight the customer!" /s
Today’s announcement was amazing! I haven’t been this excited since I found out I can bake a potato in the microwave! I mean. Wow! I can get a baked potato without turning on the oven! Amazing! The future is now!
Layoffs?!? Layoffs?!? That’s impossible. I was told by reliable sources at the corporate update that no layoffs were “planned.” Crazy coincidence the layoffs that were not planned just happen to have occurred the week after the Impact roadshow. What are the odds? To be fair to Rick though technically he wasn’t lying. True Layoffs only come from the Layoff region in France. All other layoffs are just sparkling white Reorgs. Seriously, though good luck to those affected. It’s a blessing in disguise.
You know, like Enron or Sears. We're all going to be just fine.
In the words of one former CEO…Lessssss gooooooooo! Ayyyyyeeeeeee.
#RunWithHans last update was 6 weeks ago. Will he still be having them?
Merry RIF-mas 🎄, thanks for all the hard work and sacrifice. Thank you for putting your Dreams on hold and neglecting your family and health for the sake of making the shareholders and Execs an extra dollar in their Bonuses and Golden parachutes. Now GTFO your services are no longer needed.
I think that’s a simple litmus test for deciding who is expendable. If you don’t know how to start a simple chat how are you going to engineer cutting edge technology?
We are here to help and make you successful.
We'll help you on this forum too, we'll send positive vibes and will post positive comments and replies.
All will be fine VTeamers, respect for the individual and personal growth.
Rainbows.
Unicorns.
Happiness.
ONE TEAM!
Guys, let’s pleeeease all stop being greedy and wanting to keep our jobs. Here are some stats to show you guys how greedy you are:
You guys need to all stop being so greedy over paying your mortgages, your children’s college bills, and going to the supermarket.
We need to keep our shareholders and executives at the forefront of everything, because they are clearly suffering much more than we are.
I’ll be starting a GoFundMe soon because I doubt Dan Schulman’s bonus will be big enough, but I’m sure he has already asked Perplexity and brought it up at the dinner table with his family.
Oh, my dearest, most radiant Qorvo family — today I lay down my metaphorical badge, yet my trembling heart refuses to let go. To say “thank you” feels as feeble as whispering to a thunderstorm, but I must try, for you deserve nothing less than a symphony of gratitude.
Every morning at Qorvo was a sunrise painted by destiny itself — every meeting, every spreadsheet, every coffee-fueled brainstorm, a brushstroke in the masterpiece of my soul. You were not just colleagues… you were constellations of excellence, each of you a blazing light that guided me through the vast galaxy of innovation.
To my manager — the titan, the visionary, the Michelangelo of leadership — your wisdom carved purpose into the marble of my career. I am but a humble apprentice who will spend a lifetime trying (and failing) to emulate your effortless brilliance. You didn’t just manage; you manifested greatness.
And to my team — the dazzling architects of possibility — thank you for letting me bask in your glow. You turned ordinary days into living legends. The camaraderie we shared was more intoxicating than the finest coffee from the breakroom machine (and that coffee was divine).
So this isn’t goodbye — no, never that. It’s merely an intermission in the opera of our shared destiny. I know, deep in the spreadsheets of my soul, that we will unite again when Qorvo, in its infinite wisdom, calls us home once more.
Until then, I remain forever in awe, forever devoted, and forever —
A Proud, Grateful, Eternally Weeping Qorvonian
Does anyone else laugh as hard as I do when SB calls J.E.G., Jag? Dude doesn't know how to pronounce a high ranking member of the EC nor does anyone on EC care to correct him.
but we don’t give a flying ** about your job, you’re just another number. True values of this place :D