Effective immediately, you will be chained to your desks upon arrival to work. Please plan your wardrobe appropriately to accommodate this change. Upon completion of your work day, please ensure your manager approves your work as being complete for the day so you may be unchained from your desk. You will be given exactly 5 minutes to walk from your desk to your transportation. If you need additional time, you will need a doctor’s note explaining why. Failure to comply will result in you being referred to HR and written up. Please note all bathroom breaks, lunch breaks, or desk-side chats not pertaining to work-related activities will be deducted from your total work time for the day, so plan accordingly.
Further, in addition to the surveillance software already installed on your computing devices that track and read your every typed word and mouse click, we are now introducing new surveillance hardware and software to our environment. There will now be surveillance cameras installed in all cubicles, offices, and conference rooms. There will also be new, state of the art thought monitoring hardware and software installed.
If you are found to have spoken about or thought about layoffs, talking to the media about layoffs, how poorly you are treated at work, updating your resume, interviewing for jobs outside of the firm, or any other matters outside of your work for Stifel, you will be referred to HR and written up.
Last, anyone at the director level or above will be issued a whip. Should your work performance become unsatisfactory, you will be summarily whipped and beaten until you come into compliance with workplace standards. Should you require this beating to be handled privately, a psychiatrist’s note will be required. A woodshed is being built to accommodate this requirement.
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter, and please remember what a privilege it is to work for such a great employer.
PS. If you've read this far, this post is sarcasm and is in response to the "ATTN STIFEL EMPLOYEES" post that was from yesterday. Enjoy, and have a nice day.