To: All Employees
From: Leadership Communications
Subject: Reinvention Update
Dear Team,
As part of our ongoing Reinvention journey, we want to take a moment to recap the tremendous progress we’ve achieved, which on closer inspection looks suspiciously like chaos:
Q2 Results: While our financial performance was pure garbage, we see this as a powerful opportunity to demonstrate resilience and accelerate the pace of transformation, because turning failure into a buzzword is cheaper than fixing the business.
Leadership Evolution: John B has transitioned from his role as COO to continue serving on our Board, which sounds like a noble continuation but in practice means his head was required on a silver platter. He will chair the new Integration Committee, which is a committee no one asked for but looks reassuring in press releases.
Leadership Innovation: Our Chief Disruption Officer, Deena P, has announced she is leaving to spend more time with her family, which is the universally accepted code for “thank you for the selfies, now please go". We are grateful for the inspiration and hashtags she brought to Reinvention, because nothing drives shareholder value like social media content.
Looking forward, we are excited to announce the next step: a global headcount optimization initiative. Executives have been tasked with submitting names by end of Q3, at which point 3,600–4,800 colleagues will be invited to explore career opportunities outside the company.
As a global enterprise, we are committed to fairness, but also math: it is dramatically cheaper and faster to fire people in the U.S. than in other countries where local laws demand notice periods, unions, and dignity. Accordingly, our American colleagues should expect to play a leading role in this Reinvention milestone, because your jobs are legally the easiest to erase.
We understand there is hope that reductions will focus on less-productive management layers. While that hope is touching, history has shown us that those compiling the lists — along with their friends, spouses, siblings, and Saturday tennis partners — somehow never appear on them.
Thank you for your ongoing commitment to Reinvention. With fewer people, less stability, and more recycled jargon, we are confident that together we can continue to deliver bold PowerPoint slides that tell a story our numbers cannot.
Warm regards,
Your Leadership Team