The moment BNY announces it has “partnered with McKinsey for strategic realignment,” associates react with the same serenity NASA astronauts display when Mission Control calmly radios, “We’re detecting an unexpected structural anomaly. Please remain calm.” A hush ripples through the workforce. Teams icons flip to “Busy,” résumés begin auto launch sequences, and everyone suddenly remembers they have “a friend at JPMC” they should probably ping before atmospheric reentry.
Associates know the pattern. McKinsey doesn’t arrive to optimize joy; they arrive to optimize payload weight — by jettisoning crew.
Soon the PowerPoint Telemetry Flood begins: hundreds of slides filled with arrows, thrust vectors, and phrases like “strategic delayering,” “value capture acceleration,” and “synergy unlocks.” Employees translate these instantly: “layoffs,” “more layoffs,” and “brace for impact.”
Then the consultants appear — bright eyed, hyper confident, and unmistakably born during the iPhone 6 era. They interview associates about the very systems those associates built, taking notes with the intensity of NASA scientists documenting steps to repair a faulty toilet and drain my catheter. Employees smile politely while thinking, “This is how my mission ends — explained back to me by someone who still uses their college meal plan.”
Meanwhile, deep in the executive command module, RV and Dermie quietly cheer as the fear and panic meter spikes and the algorithm for layoffs without severance boots up, humming like a guidance computer that only calculates cost savings.
The BNY EC soon begins speaking fluent McKinsey-ese:
• “Zero based redesign” (cut everything)
• “Workforce rationalization” (cut everyone)
• “Operating model uplift” (cut differently)
Morale drops like a surprise space toilet malfunction in microgravity. Motivation shifts from “doing great work” to “avoiding being noticed,” “avoiding being too unnoticed,” and “finding a new mission before this capsule depressurizes.”
Right on cue, HR issues its standard transmission: all employees must refrain from unprofessional or derogatory comments — including emojis. Violations may result in corrective action up to and including termination. A sarcastic po-p or head ba----g wall emojis could apparently end your career faster than a failed docking maneuver.
By the time the consultants return to Earth, the BNY EC will declare mission success, and associates will quietly wonder whether the strategy ever involved improvement — or simply surviving another orbit on the dark side of the corporate moon.