Credit to Peter Girnus— decoding the Amazon layoff thread that could be easily applied to the burning stagecoach
To whom it may concern,
Senior Vice President of two trillion dollars company reaching out to you again.
Some of you had trouble understanding Beth's email.
Allow me to translate.
"Strengthening our organization" means firing people.
Organizations get stronger when they're lighter.
Like a boxer cutting weight.
The weight is you.
"Reducing layers" means eliminating management.
Layers are what cakes have.
And onions.
You are neither.
You are overhead.
"Increasing ownership" means fewer people doing more work.
Ownership sounds empowering.
It means you now own three people's jobs.
At one person's salary.
Congratulations on your ownership.
"Removing bureaucracy" means cutting support staff.
Bureaucracy is a word for people who help.
HR. Finance. Admin.
They're not bureaucracy when you need them.
They're bureaucracy when we need savings.
"Organizational changes" means layoffs.
"Organizational" makes it sound like furniture.
We're just rearranging.
The furniture is your desk.
It's leaving.
"Impacted" means fired.
Impacted sounds like a meteor.
Or a wisdom tooth.
Something natural.
Something unavoidable.
This was a spreadsheet.
"Roles" means people.
We don't eliminate people.
We eliminate roles.
The people just happen to be inside them.
"Teammates" means employees.
We call you teammates so it feels like sports.
Sports have teams.
Teams have cuts.
You didn't make the roster.
"Support" means 90 days.
90 days to find a new role.
Inside the company that just eliminated yours.
It's like being dumped and asked to keep dating.
"Future endeavors" means unemployment.
Endeavors sounds adventurous.
Like you're exploring.
You're exploring LinkedIn.
"Strategic areas" means AI.
Everything strategic is AI now.
You are not AI.
You are overhead.
We covered this.
"Not the beginning of a new rhythm" means we'll do this again.
But not on a schedule.
Surprise layoffs.
Like a pop quiz.
But instead of failing a test, you lose healthcare.
"Grateful" means nothing.
"Thank you" means goodbye.
"Beth" means the spreadsheet signed an email.
I hope this helps.
If you need further translation, I'm available.
Until I'm impacted.
Anyway, have a great Wednesday everyone.