Reporter: Mr. Profitson, thank you for joining us. Let’s get right to it—your company has experienced multiple safety incidents in recent months, some resulting in serious injuries. Employees say morale is at an all-time low. How do you respond?
CEO Max Profitson: First off, let me say—we’re absolutely crushing it. Our shareholders are thrilled, and I just got a new yacht. So, clearly, things are going great.
Reporter: Respectfully, sir, that doesn’t address the safety concerns. There have been three major accidents in the last quarter alone.
CEO: Look, accidents happen. That’s just part of the exciting chaos of innovation. If anything, it shows our employees are really pushing the limits. I mean, who needs safety when you’ve got quarterly growth?
Reporter: But many of those employees were laid off. You outsourced entire departments to countries with little to no industry regulation. Isn’t that part of the problem?
CEO: I call it “strategic efficiency.” Why pay someone $100,000 when you can pay $3 and a sandwich? That’s just good business. Besides, the new teams are very enthusiastic. They may not know what they’re doing, but they’re cheap and that’s what matters.
Reporter: That sounds incredibly reckless. Don’t you feel any responsibility for the chaos and declining morale?
CEO: Morale is overrated. I find that fear is a much better motivator. If people are worried about losing their jobs, they work harder. Or they quit. Either way, I save money.
Reporter: You’ve taken a 300% salary increase this year while cutting thousands of jobs. How do you justify that?
CEO: Easy. I’m worth it. Have you seen our stock price? It’s up 0.3%! That’s practically a miracle in this economy. I’m basically a financial wizard.
Reporter: But your employees are protesting. Some are calling this the “Corporate Dark Ages.”
CEO: That’s just noise. If they spent less time complaining and more time working, we wouldn’t have these problems. I mean, I gave them pizza last quarter. What more do they want?
Reporter: Accountability? Safety? A living wage?
CEO: Look, I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to make shareholders rich. And myself. Mostly myself.
Reporter: I’m sorry, but how are you still employed?
CEO: Golden parachute, baby. Even if I get fired, I walk away with enough money to buy a small country. So really, I can’t lose.
Reporter: I think we’re done here.
CEO: Great! I’ve got a meeting with my yacht designer. We’re adding a helipad.