The official currency of “collaboration”
Backed by real assets:
• Badge swipes
• Commute exhaustion
• And that one empty desk you finally found at 9:17am
Consensus mechanism: Proof of Presence.
Work done from laptop at home = imaginary.
Same work done from laptop in a loud, freezing open floor plan on a Teams call = shareholder value.
Utility features include:
• 100-mile daily commute burn rate
• No assigned seating battle royale
• “Collaboration” with a team scattered across three time zones
• Logging into virtual meetings… from the office
• Productivity throttled by noise and fluorescent lighting
Tokenomics:
• 5-day mandatory lockup (upgraded from 3 after “listening to feedback”)
• Top talent automatically migrates to competitors
• Remaining supply consists of people too tired to update LinkedIn
• Missing McKinsey culture survey results exist on the chain
Whitepaper highlights:
“Culture through compliance”
“Trustless architecture”
“Results secondary to attendance”
“Loyalty is dead-dead”
“Macro conditions responsible for everything”
“Market-based Mayhem”
Mining rewards:
• Pizza slices
• Wellness webinars
• Inspirational emails about resilience
Quarterly earnings integration:
Solid metrics = proof the model works
Stock down double digits since mandate = totally unrelated
Buybacks at higher prices = visionary capital allocation
Roadmap:
Phase 1 – Announce bold future
Phase 2 – Double down
Phase 3 – Talent drain labeled ‘normal attrition’
Phase 4 – Strategic reset
Final Act:
🚨 Executive liquidity event 🚨
Golden parachutes unlock and Rug-Pull.
$COLLAB insiders exit at peak compensation.
Employees left holding five-day lockups, commuting bills, and coffee machine credits.
$COLLAB Coin — because if we can’t measure value creation, we’ll just monetize misery.
Diamond hands required. Remote wallets permanently banned.