How To Rob a Bank, Buddy Edition

Anonymous · 2024-09-20T16:23:38Z

Look for a scandal-ridden bank under a Federal Asset Cap with 2 failed CEOs Observe bank’s incompetent BOD stumble in their efforts for a year to hire any talented banking executive as new CEO Interview for CEO job, pretending to be reluctant, will only accept if given 40% increase plus no relocation Accept new CEO job promising shareholders that your #1 priority will be getting the bank out from under the Federal Asset Cap…could take as long as one year (lol) Bring over your blundering buddies from Chase - anyone who will support your greedy plan as long as you pay them more than they’re worth. Bonus: you get to act like a big man hiring disloyal losers away from Jamie. Give yourself a raise. Begin aggressively slashing expenses: lop off the heads of 60,000 employees, offshore recklessly, sell off business lines, close brick and mortars. Call it “Business Simplification”. Then give yourself a raise. Dismantle internal controls by building a fake and overly complicated web of box checking activities Eliminate voices of dissent. Make sure you and your buddies’ compensation packages includes executive stock options, then announce a $30 Billion Stock Buyback Program. Crush employee morale to speed up attrition, destroy customer service, institute sloppy reorg changes which weaken the long-term health of the bank. No problem, you’ll be long gone. Give yourself a raise. Shrug off ongoing civil and criminal investigations. Settle where able and continue to blame it on previous management team Stop answering questions about the Federal Asset Cap. Continue to waste $Billions of capital per month repurchasing company stock while you and your buddies cash out your generous Executive Stock Options during manipulated short-term price pops. Give yourself another raise.

Look for a scandal-ridden bank under a Federal Asset Cap with 2 failed CEOs
Observe bank’s incompetent BOD stumble in their efforts for a year to hire any talented banking executive as new CEO
Interview for CEO job, pretending to be reluctant, will only accept if given 40% increase plus no relocation
Accept new CEO job promising shareholders that your #1 priority will be getting the bank out from under the Federal Asset Cap…could take as long as one year (lol)
Bring over your blundering buddies from Chase - anyone who will support your greedy plan as long as you pay them more than they’re worth. Bonus: you get to act like a big man hiring disloyal losers away from Jamie. Give yourself a raise.
Begin aggressively slashing expenses: lop off the heads of 60,000 employees, offshore recklessly, sell off business lines, close brick and mortars. Call it “Business Simplification”. Then give yourself a raise.
Dismantle internal controls by building a fake and overly complicated web of box checking activities
Eliminate voices of dissent.
Make sure you and your buddies’ compensation packages includes executive stock options, then announce a $30 Billion Stock Buyback Program.
Crush employee morale to speed up attrition, destroy customer service, institute sloppy reorg changes which weaken the long-term health of the bank. No problem, you’ll be long gone. Give yourself a raise.
Shrug off ongoing civil and criminal investigations. Settle where able and continue to blame it on previous management team
Stop answering questions about the Federal Asset Cap.
Continue to waste $Billions of capital per month repurchasing company stock while you and your buddies cash out your generous Executive Stock Options during manipulated short-term price pops. Give yourself another raise.

Thread regarding Wells Fargo & Co. layoffs

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