As we navigate the inevitable chaos this organization is bound to become, let’s take a moment to reflect on some of the most questionable ideas our esteemed Chevron overlords, self-serving middle managers, advisors, and various other pretenders have attempted to implement so far.
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@ff+ he's gonna lik their stinky gonads after he gets his keyboard coward A$$ kicked.
We'll go all Union Carbide on they a$$. Now pipe down, dot.
@f3+1jn3p3bs7 or what? What are you going to do you little qu--f.
We're not having meetings at 9pm to accommodate the curry munchers. They will be calling in at 9pm their time. Bishes better stay in their lane.
I love working with BASSC. They get stuff done and have good ideas. If we were moving stuff to BA instead of India I’d feel much more confident in the outcome. Not to mention the time zone alignment actually works, so we wouldn’t need to have meetings at 9 pm in Houston.
The old Texaco MBA/EBA for ladies and people of color was a complete failure.
Latin America.
CNE
Buenos Aires
"Protect the base"
"Win in any environment!" Motto in 2020
Big liar!
Workday.
Work From Home insanity
Your laziness is why everything is moving offshore.
HCL was the worse idea… sc--wed over alot of people. Whoever made that call should get sent to an Indian to a sweatshop!
Microsoft Partnership / Triple Crown
Platform / Chapter model
Scaled Agile for Enterprise (SAFe) - one of the biggest grifts I’ve ever witnessed
Gulf of America
Human Energy motto, now we are firing the Humans from the Energy
Everything and anything about AMBU. Would love to have been the owners of the company CVX bought that became AMBU. Also Chongdongbei - run the numbers on that one - massive HTHP sour gas development in a populated region, three train gas plant with claus units and $3/mmscf revenue for the gas. Wow. Brazil Deepwater also comes to mind.....
The MCBU rap video
ABU SCM.
Back when we had 19" monitors, Finance had a revolutionary idea that all new hires will require a buisness case to get a second monitor. They thought they were genuinely saving costs and denied everyone, while IT had already bought a store room worth of monitors. So people struggled on one screen while the monitors, which have a year warranty just stood in storage. A couple of finance people got 1s that year and are now in leadership roles.
The horizons program. After 25 years, those initial graduates with lack of depth are now increasingly running things.
During AD, BRES had to show that everyone was feeling the pain and they got rid of tea, hot chocolate, decent coffee, etc. I remember seeing the large garbage bins with these items thrown away, can't let the masses see that they are just running out and not replenishing, must be wasteful to show how we are saving. The backlash on that was fun to watch.
Outsourcing the help desk to India.
It lasted like a month and then was trained. Now we're going to outsource everything. Not sure what kind of results they believe they're going to see. That kind of belief can be summed up as blind faith.
Where's the layoff site?
Going to 4 categories for PMP and not having a calibration session with management. The result is talent is never discussed which has led to the assumption that everyone is the same and dispensable.
Like sending out an email stating that offices with more than one chair are violating policy, and those extra chairs will soon me collected? Is that the kind of d-mb sh-t you’re looking for?
Foodini's or Point Arguello
I was very happy to see that Lean Sigma disappeared. We were sold on this 1980s-era process as being the answer to all our problems in the mid-2010s. It was a ton of meetings and busy work, nothing else.
Two words: We Lead
Gutting our exploration OC then being surprised that we can’t discover oil reserves.
Calibrated x-x
Integrated yyy
Fully coupled zzz
4D ssss
How about an over spec'd building in the heart of tourism in Perth, Western Australia?
You MF's tryna get dog walked out the door.. there's no other explanation.
Open concept floor plans
ITIL
Here’s a more polished version that keeps the sarcasm and frustration intact while making it sharper and more professional:
Everything labeled as 'AI' is brought to you by functions that couldn’t even manage an Excel spreadsheet. PowerApps? Sure here’s an app no one will care about or know how to support in six months. Oh, and don’t forget the Power BI dashboard, thrown together with zero QA/QC, built on assumptions so detached from reality they might as well be fiction. But hey, just trust the numbers now!
@a5+1jn3p3bs7 OMG jobtasker! 🤣 Had to be a certain type of special to push that sh-t out.
Anything that doesn't say turn the tap on and let the money printing machine print. Y'all d-mb as all heck, with all these initiatives to save money.
MFs working in an industry where you can print money and with access to one of the best money printers on the planet, trying to implement job tasker, lean, SMART, gtfoh with that s....
Oil and gas is better than a Casino and y'all still finding ways to f that up with 'innovation'.. sheeeiii....
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