HOUSTON, TX — In a move analysts are calling “bold,” “innovative,” and “the corporate equivalent of kicking a hornet’s nest,” ExxonMobil executives today announced the immediate elimination of NRE protection for employees — triggering what witnesses describe as a spontaneous, company‑wide emotional Chernobyl.
The announcement, delivered via a 47‑slide deck titled “Agility Through Unilateral Exposure,” reportedly left employees stunned, confused, and Googling whether “NRE” now stands for “No Rights Ever.” One manager attempted to calm the crowd by explaining that the change would “streamline accountability,” but was forced to retreat after someone asked him to define “streamline” without using the words “cost,” “risk,” or “you.”
Sources say morale plummeted so quickly that HR briefly considered issuing oxygen masks. Break rooms across the company have since transformed into impromptu war rooms, where employees are posting in thelayoff.com, forming alliances, and debating whether this counts as “the final straw” or merely “the straw that broke the camel’s spine, spirit, and will to attend optional town halls.”
Executives, meanwhile, insist the change will “unlock new efficiencies,” though insiders report they have begun traveling in pairs for safety.