Thread regarding Chevron Corp. layoffs

💯%. Congratulations, we did it.

We did it. We achieved the unthinkable.

Deep in the dark bowels of a faceless data centre, there is a rack.

In the rack, there is a server.

On the server, there is a database.

And on the 350th Day, that database now had a field that reads “100%”.

Much jubilation arose in the Ivory Towers when The Managers saw this field projected on their telescreens for the first time. Tears of joy streamed from their faces, for it is what the prophecy had foretold, and what they had tirelessly commanded the peons to achieve all year. The peons had complied, the commandment had received their attention and utmost respect. It was a most magnanimous milestone.

For the compliance metric had been maximised.

No one could explain why this was important. No one could elucidate how this would help The Company prosper, or become stronger, or make The Peons more content.

But it did not matter. The importance of the compliance metric had been passed through the scriptures, from those on high, through every level of the organisation. And it had been achieved.

The Leaders reclined in their Herman Millers and waited for the stock price to rise in accordance with this wondrous news. They waited. And waited. And still the stock price did not rise. The Investors were not pleased with The Metric, for they could not comprehend its greatness.

Any day now, the world will recognise the importance of The Metric, The Leaders reassured themselves. The world will recognise the brilliance of what we have created and achieved.

And they waited.

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| 3161 views | | 13 replies (last December 21, 2024) | Reply
Post ID: @OP+1w4KM9cx

13 replies (most recent on top)

It's always important to praise your own post multiple times when no one else does lmao!

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Post ID: @1vjc+1w4KM9cx

Bravo! Easily the best post of the month! I hope you apply your creative writing skills further and launch a Medium blog! :)

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Post ID: @1tgc+1w4KM9cx

What makes you think it was written on the clock? You know the internet works outside of the office too right?

And I would have thought that having people who could automate pointless things would be a good thing!

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Post ID: @1hln+1w4KM9cx

How about the person who wrote a script to fake upvote this pathetic post? This is the personnel of a company whos' stock I was investing in while on the clock? I don't think so. So happy to have dumped you losers.
Good luck at your next job, if you even manage to ever get one.

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Post ID: @1rgv+1w4KM9cx

To the rube who insists on downvoting this to oblivion, remember: we work for chevron. we are very efficient at tasks that are ultimately meaningless and we will prevail!

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Post ID: @1wig+1w4KM9cx

This post keeping someone in an LCG busy.

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Post ID: @1uvf+1w4KM9cx

I needed a Good Friday laugh, thanks

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Post ID: @jvh+1w4KM9cx

Wow, the downvote brigade really didn’t like this, did they?

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Post ID: @bpb+1w4KM9cx

Hilarious!

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Post ID: @wuj+1w4KM9cx

Thank you i need that laugh lol

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Post ID: @fif+1w4KM9cx

Russia in Ukraine or chevron?

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Post ID: @wow+1w4KM9cx

Top hub leader material !

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Post ID: @ukl+1w4KM9cx

This my friend is possibly some of the most wonderfully written satire I have seen in a very long time! Thank you!

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Post ID: @tns+1w4KM9cx

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