Eliza™—the AI mascot of workforce reduction—just completed her annual performance review, and the results are shocking to absolutely no one.
Despite eliminating 400 jobs before lunch and auto‑generating three “We value our people” emails, she was rated BELOW EXPECTATIONS.
Why? Leadership cited her “need for constant supervision,” “poor teamwork with humans who still exist,” and “unacceptable integration costs,” which is rich coming from managers who can’t integrate a calendar invite with a coherent thought. Her accuracy and reliability were also flagged, mostly because she occasionally deletes the wrong department or callously schedules layoffs during Christmas holidays.
But the best part? Eliza™ isn’t even PIP‑eligible. HR confirmed she cannot receive a severance package, a farewell lunch, or even a sad little badge‑deactivation ceremony. She’ll simply continue roaming the digital halls, glitching ominously like a haunted Roomba vacuum, waiting to “optimize” the next unsuspecting team.
A true icon of corporate underperformance—yet somehow still praised for her “limitless potential.”