Dear Board Members:
Well, where do I start? Stephanie is doing wonders for this company… by turning it into a ghost ship. I’ve never seen a CEO come in and shrink a company on purpose. Who knew that the secret to success was reverse growth? It’s almost like she read “How to Ki-l Your Company in 3 Easy Steps” and decided to follow it to the letter. I can only assume the stock buybacks were a secret plot to buy back her credibility. 1.2 billion dollars down the drain, but hey, at least the stock price got a brief happy moment, right?
Let’s talk about that 1.2 billion for a second—imagine if we’d thrown that into product development. Meanwhile, the entire Banking IDSW budget for 2025 is $190 million. Pathetic doesn’t even begin to describe it.
Now, don’t get me wrong, Gary wasn’t exactly everyone’s favorite, but let’s be real here—his biggest mistake wasn’t buying Worldpay. It was letting Stephanie Ferris enter stage left. I’d rather have Gary’s occasional misstep than whatever strange, McKinsey-fueled magic trick Stephanie is attempting to pull off.
So, Board Members, if you actually care about the company’s future (and don’t want to see it end up in a Netflix documentary about corporate disasters), it’s time to bring back Gary!
Also, if anyone knows how to set up an anonymous survey (other than Reddit), I’ll happily do the honors and send it straight to the Board.
Cheers,