INTERNAL MEMO
From: Central Efficiency Hub (formerly HR)
To: All Operational Units (formerly Employees)
Subject: Q3 Cog Inventory Process — Mandatory Compliance Directive
Dear Unit,
It is once again time for our regularly scheduled Cog Inventory Process, formerly mislabeled "performance reviews" by organic error. Please read the following instructions carefully to ensure optimal calibration and avoid unnecessary downtime or deactivation notices.
🔧 Purpose:
The Cog Inventory Process allows Upper Machinery to:
Verify your rotational alignment with corporate gears.
Quantify your output in relation to prescribed productivity algorithms.
Log any emotional interference or inefficient “human” behavior.
Root out rusty, non-compliant components exhibiting signs of obsolescence or excessive originality.
🕒 Scheduling:
Each unit will be summoned to a neutralized Evaluation Chamber. Arrive on time, depersonalized, and preferably without facial expressions. Late units may be recycled into desk chairs.
📊 Evaluation Criteria Include:
- Compliance with Arbitrary Shifts in Corporate Vision
- Speed of Enthusiastic Agreement to All Managerial Suggestions
- Silence During Meetings Except When Applauding
- Ability to Mask Existential Dread with Excel Proficiency
- Tolerance for Prolonged Managerial Ghosting
- Willingness to Interpret Silence as Constructive Feedback
- Ability to Form Meaningful Bonds with Unanswered Emails
- Sustained Morale in the Absence of Eye Contact or Purpose
- Comfort Thriving in a Recognition-Free Environment
- Comfort Receiving Infrastructure Updates in Chat Format with Zero Context, Documentation, or Punctuation
- Comfort managing operational issues in Chat Format with Zero Context, Documentation, or Punctuation
- Responsiveness to Teams Pings Without Any Visible Will to Live
- Ability to Interpret Vague One-Word Messages as Strategic Direction
- Consistent Availability on Teams, Even During Scheduled Unavailability
- Fluency in Corporate Emoji Language (🚀 = Panic | 👍 = Please Stop Talking)
- Capacity to Derive Motivation from "Can we chat for a sec?" Messages
🧠 Feedback Protocol:
Following your evaluation, you will receive a Performance Printout™. Interpret this document using the company-issued Emotion Decoder (v.4.2). All feedback will be expressed in sterile metric units (e.g., 3.2 Efficiency Shards, 0.8 Initiative Sparks). Suggestions for “improvement” are non-negotiable and may include mild reprogramming.
⚠️ Non-Compliance:
Failure to complete the Cog Inventory Process will result in:
Revocation of Coffee Cube Ration
Placement on the “Needs Less Humanity” List
Optional transfer to the Suggestion Box (located just above the incinerator)
🚨 ATTENTION: SYSTEM EJECTION PROTOCOL 🚨
Units found to be irreparably rusted, redundant, or otherwise incapable of resynchronization may be scheduled for ejection from the system (formerly known as "layoff").
Please refrain from interpreting this as personal; it is simply mechanical hygiene.
❓ INQUIRIES, APPEALS & OTHER INEFFICIENCIES ❓
Units wishing to contest their evaluation results, request additional development tracks, or inquire about long-term “growth opportunities” should know:
There are no active development protocols.
There is no appeals process.
The System is not listening.
Your feedback will be noted, archived, and ignored in compliance with ISO-Null Response Standards. Continued insistence on human-based treatment may result in reclassification as a Sentiment Leak and subject to ejection protocols.
We look forward to examining your continued functionality.
Stay compliant, stay interchangeable.
Mechanically,
CENTRAL EFFICIENCY HUB
“You are not a number. You are a cog. Numbers get names.”