A few months ago, my son Luke's youth hockey team hit a rough patch. We were losing more than half our games. Morale was low. So I did what any forward-thinking leader would do: I brought in consultants from PwC.
None of them had played hockey or even laced up skates, but they had all seen The Mighty Ducks and came prepared with a stunning 64-slide PowerPoint summarizing the movie. There was a helpful bar chart showing that, historically, teams that scored more goals than their opponents tended to win. Their slide titled “Quack = Grit” nearly brought me to tears. One even printed it.
Their first recommendation was to optimize our cost structure by cutting underperformers based on candy consumption. Our star forward, Jack, was flagged for excessive Skittle intake. He was our leading scorer, fast, focused, and five steps ahead of the puck. I was hesitant, but a senior consultant reminded me: “The objective isn’t to win. It’s to increase personal candy share for you and us.” Jack was terminated shortly after. Performance doesn’t matter. Keeping candy consumption down is the priority. Even if it means losing. I broke the news via a calendar invite titled “Quick Call.” He cried. But not for long, his parents switched him to Goldman’s team. They’re undefeated now.
Next, they suggested replacing several team members with players from a distant region known for cheaper contracts and generous résumé inflation. Despite being 10 years old, each claimed over 15 years of experience and listed multiple youth national teams, some of which don’t exist. We saved even more by using broomsticks instead of hockey sticks. The fact that none of them could skate was labeled a “developmental opportunity.” PwC classified it as skate optional resource deployment.
Uniform costs were reduced by eliminating player names. They were too long. Plus, everyone was interchangeable, and we can reuse them when we lay them off.
Our Skater Health and Ice-based Traction Tracking Initiative for Youth, S.H.I.T.T.Y. for short, revealed that many of the new players couldn’t stand up. But the consultants assured me this was a feature, not a bug. “We’ve reduced speed variance,” they said. “It’s almost uniform now.”
I was skeptical. But one reminded me: “Winning isn’t the goal. Optimizing candy intake is.”
And that, in many ways, is what transformation looks like at Citi.
We’re heading into summer, and that means transformation season. If you’ve received a “Quick Call” invite, rest assured, it’s probably not about hockey or candy. We’re in the middle of an enterprise-wide code freeze, and as many of you know, there are only two times Citi freezes code: end of year, and right before we reduce headcount. This isn’t December.
That’s why you may start seeing a flurry of innocently titled 15-minute meetings:
“Let’s sync”
“Just wanted to connect”
“Short alignment chat?”
“Touching base”
“Quick call”
The ever imaginative “No subject”
These are not cries for alignment. These are the sound of the iceberg tapping gently on the hull. Bring Kleenex. Or a résumé.
We understand this is hard, and that’s why we’ve continued to invest in our people, even while reducing their numbers. Take Software Fit. Or the AI Task Force. Or the Global Developer Experience Alignment Squad. These were never funded, and never will be, but we needed something for the survivors to feel connected to.
The Alignment Squad recently published a thought piece titled “Why API Best Practices Are the Cornerstone of Innovation.” Of course, no one will read it, and even fewer will follow it, but that’s not the point. We needed a document to prove we care. After all, if there’s one thing Citi respects, it’s a well-formatted PDF no one asked for. A best practices doc won’t change anything, but it does let us say things like “API hygiene” with a straight face in meetings.
And to ensure consistency, our CIO Jonathan Lostcause has been reminding all teams to only work on funded projects. This doesn’t apply to the initiatives I just mentioned. They’re special. And different. And you should definitely prioritize them. For morale.
Speaking of morale: let’s talk about visibility and stretch work. Some of you have taken on “opportunities” to lead initiatives, produce decks, or coordinate workstreams with no budget and no staff. We call these stretch roles. The idea is that by doing someone else’s job for free, you might one day be allowed to apply for it.
The reality? You’ll be mentioned in a meeting you’re not invited to. Maybe earn kudos in a SharePoint article nobody reads. And if your manager isn’t a complete credit thief, your name might make it into a gratitude email. That is, if Citi Gratitude hasn’t run out of budget, which it did this month and the month before this and the month before that, usually by the 3rd day. We still have budget for HR’s new framework for not promoting people, now with seven levels of approval and zero outcomes.
Meanwhile, those who skipped stretch work, focused on their deliverables, and hit their OKRs will probably get promoted. Laser focus is powerful. Just don’t expect a thank-you note. We call that the future of work.
Before I close, with summer coming up, we encourage you to take time off and spend time with your loved ones. Not because we care about you, because when we lay you off later this month, we won’t have to pay out your unused vacation days.
Deeply grateful for all the work you’ll never be recognized for.
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