Can you smell it in the air?
It's classic Qualcomm take on Spring Cleaning.
We've taken a standard cost cutting exercise and over complicated / over-engineered it so it now takes 90 days, generally involves a BS process for "improving your performance" and will ultimately result in you being let go anyway. That's right, nobody makes it out of a PIP alive.
But that's not all, we've also over-complicated the assigning of offices through a complex algorithm involving title, tenure and underwear color. So, even filling your old office with a "freshie" will keep HR busy for another 6 - 8 months.
I love this time of year. I get to really use some of most brutal HR tactics and pull out some of my best one-liners. I simply adore starting the discussions with "As you know, Qualcomm is doing some "right-sizing"... It really gets them nodding yes before I break out the dagger.
But, I think one of my favorites is telling a nearly suicidal soon-to-be ex-employee how "everything happens for a reason and this is opening the door to a new opportunity." That one usually gets the tears flowing pretty nicely. Then I collect their badge and give them a flyer for a job fair at the navy shipyard before telling them to get out of my office because "I'm doing one of these every three minutes today and I don't have time for small talk."
I look forward to chatting with you soon.
Empahetically Yours,
Qualcomm HR