CCi Executives: prison is a dangerous place--have you thought about how you'll protect yourself in there? For centuries, prisoners have resorted to protecting themselves with shanks: weapons they've fashioned from anything that can be given a blade or sharpened to a point, like pencils, toothbrushes, spoons, etc.
CCi executives, don't leave your personal safety at the mercy of whatever odds and ends you can find in prison! An executive like you deserves an Executive Shank!
Since the conviction of Charles Ponzi in the 1920's, Executive Shanks has specialized in outfitting our clientele with our premium, executive-level shanks reflecting the style and sophistication of the schemes that landed them behind bars. Our Executive Shanks have graced the body cavities of high-profile white-collar criminals like Enron and WorldCom executives, Bernie Madoff, Jack Abramoff, and even Martha Stewart. And now that you've joined their ranks, it's time to get an Executive Shank!
The juvenile artisans working tirelessly in our third-world sweat shops exquisitely hand-craft each of our custom shanks using only the finest and most endangered materials, like African Elephant tusks, Black Rhinoceros horns, Brazilian Mahogany, and other fine Amazonian hardwoods. Their prodigious skill and attention to detail produces popular and profitable pieces like our best-selling model: The Phalanx, which features a three-inch rhino horn tip set in a mahogany handle richly stained with Snow Leopard blood and inlaid with mother of pearl in the design of your corporate logo, all encased in a polished ivory sheath for easy insertion and removal.
Upon your purchase an Executive Shank, you'll be enrolled in our intensive three-day Suit-casing Seminar, where you'll receive hands-on instruction from our panel of expert ex-convicts who'll use their real-world experience to give you the skills you need to quickly remove and use your Executive Shank when riots break out in the prison yard, and to stealthily re-insert it to avoid detection by the prison guards.
So what are you waiting for, CCi Executives? When Bubba comes looking for some late-night love in your cell, you're going to want something better than the sharpened point of an Oral-B toothbrush to protect yourself. Call our toll-free number today and get your Executive Shank! 1-800-XEC-SHNK