Due to the ever-so-relatable surge in global oil prices—and their entirely rational influence on corporate philosophy—Paramount will be transitioning employees and “eligible deputized staffers” to remote work, in a bold effort to conserve fuel and, where possible, coherence.
As we stride confidently into our next merger (and its inevitable sequel), leadership encourages everyone to remain focused, synergized, and deeply appreciative. After all, nothing fuels great storytelling like an ambient mix of layoffs, strategic redundancies, and morale that exists primarily as a concept.
A brief reminder on workplace etiquette: any individual observed leaving the office five minutes early will, of course, be subject to our standard disciplinary pathways—either ceremonially burned at the stake in the town square of Slack, or, more commonly, politely and vigorously chastised behind their backs by a carefully assembled menagerie of conflict-averse executives.
Let’s also remember: the office is where work happens—except when it doesn’t. Annual reviews have been streamlined into a more efficient delivery system known as “you’ll hear from us,” so no need to trouble yourselves with preparation.
In the meantime, please enjoy the complimentary snacks while they remain part of our shared reality, maintain a positive attitude, and avoid dwelling on contradictions.
All hands on deck—giddy up.