Dear Team,
Two months ago, I submitted a request to my neighborhood HOA to build a small fence. Just a simple 4-foot cedar privacy structure to keep the dog in and the raccoons out. I drew up the plans, annotated everything in blue ink (as instructed), and uploaded the form to their portal.
The portal demanded a password reset, a CAPTCHA, a PDF of my blueprints, and a re-upload because my file name dared to include a hyphen. It looked and behaved like it had been written in ASP.NET by someone who once worked here, the kind of full stack developer who claimed five years of Java and five years of frontend but really had five weeks of diploma mill bootcamp and a gift for copying someone else’s LinkedIn profile.
A week later, I received a reply: “Please confirm the structure will not create shade on adjacent lots.” I did. Then: “Submit the shade study in a format supported by our portal.” So I converted my hand sketch into a PowerPoint, exported it as a Word doc, and uploaded it again.
Eventually, I got an email back: “This request has been marked INCOMPLETE due to missing Form A3-B: Neighbor Impact Forecast.” I clicked the link. It took me to the HOA homepage. I clicked again. Same result. Only on the third click did I get the form.
It was a lesson in governance. Not effective governance. But governance nonetheless.
At Citi, we perfect the HOA approach. System access, project approvals, AI enablement, we pile on just enough red tape to test your soul’s commitment.
To support rollout, we’re piloting internal AI assistants. Our AI assistants require agreeing to Information Protection Terms every single launch. Not because we doubt you, but because nothing says trust like a daily legal pop-up. That is how trust works here: we test it, repeatedly. The rules themselves are covered again in annual training. And just to be safe, we now remind you daily.
We call that the future of work.
We also treat our Managing Directors with the same hands-on accountability. A C16 burned three weeks chasing eight approvals for a 29 dollar headset. Another spent a quarter renewing a 300 dollar software license for a million dollar project. We don’t just infantilize the junior staff. At Citi, treating senior leaders like children is part of our inclusive culture.
We’re also proud to support real-world AI integrations. For example, CoPilot in VS Code may randomly stop working, which others might categorize as a bug, but we prefer to call a feature with consequences. Developers then receive automated emails warning that their license will be revoked due to inactivity. We call that the future of work.
Of course, none of this would be complete without the crown jewel of our Kafkaesque empire: IT support.
IT support starts with a chatbot that misreads your cries for help. Type “agent” enough, and you might hit a queue longer than most employee tenures. During that hour, you open other tabs to keep working. When your turn finally arrives, the agent says “Hi,” then two seconds later threatens to close the session if you don’t respond immediately. If you miss it, the ticket is closed. The agents get credit for resolving issues they never actually solve.
We’ve heard the cry: “The agent has my SOEID. Why not just Teams me on Microsoft Teams?” Because around here, solving the problem comes second to honoring the sacred process. And more importantly, because it makes too much sense, and that kind of thinking can get you fired.
A fact that few people know about me is that I worked at a grocery store for ten years. I once got written up for double bagging without manager approval. That is when I learned something important: at many institutions, it’s not about helping people, it’s about following the process. That lesson has stayed with me every day here at Citi.
I’m excited to share that we’ll be holding a town hall in mid-July at our Irving location. Joining us will be HR’s own Sara Wechter. We’re aware this overlaps with a wave of upcoming layoffs, but we assure you that is just a scheduling quirk. Sara is known for her rare ability to deliver morale updates without acknowledging the bloodbath. It is a gift, and one that has made her a fixture of our leadership team.
We also believe in fairness. The 3,500 associates in China we laid off last month should not be the only ones who get to move on. U.S. based staff deserve that same opportunity. Originally, these cuts were scheduled earlier, but HR did not respond to their emails in time, a skill we’ve long celebrated, and so we had to shift by a few weeks.
Thank you for doing more with less, and soon, nothing with even less.
Trim