We’re 5 days out from CMD 2025.
Let’s have some fun with this.
Predictions?
Points for humor (mentions of Trading and LNG too obvious and not fun enough).
9 replies (most recent on top)
Shell are going to offer to help Trump/Musk with layoffs of the US Federal Government since Shell has so much experience with it over the last 7-8 years.
The UK government has put Shell on child support. We must now take care of BP.
@b3+1jpt10gxy
Actually the numbers for that tend to work better than our existing mediocre and anemic returns...
However, I think given YL's inferiority complex we'd just buy XOM and CVX stock...maybe just XOM stock.
In order to save money and reduce time to prepare slide decks, the latest internal marketing campaign is rebranded to "This is He-l".
Share price and SPS scores will finally be Top Quartile with these savings.
This is oddly believable. It’s definitely the plan of multiple VPs. Let’s ban outside vendors, jack up our internal price, and parade around that we “saved money supporting or contacting” on stuff like google chrome or SaaS.
Leadership team proudly announces that we will divest all remaining assets and fire all employees below VP in order to become a venture capital fund thanks to a deal that Wael worked out at Davos with Blackrock.
The stock doesn’t move one bit on the news but the executive leadership team continues to furiously buy it up on the open market with all of the cost savings from reduced overhead - assuming the rocket ship is just around the corner. The markets reaction is “meh” yet again and the price holds yet again.
Wael sends a company congratulatory email to himself.
Shell will raise the internal tariff by 500%, and since we mostly do business with ourselves the LT will declare an infinite money glitch and believe the company's profit will soar. The LT will award themselves bonuses and layoff the remaining actual workers inadvertently stopping all work.
@a2+1jpt10gxy Don’t forget to mention that Shell stock will soar as a result!
During CMD, They will announce that the Shell offices will have cameras everywhere. They will stream the offices on an adult site so that people can see how Shell scr__ws over its employees everyday.