Don’t play nice and win. Be a pr!ck to your management team and win. There is absolutely no reason why HR and management needs to be doing this. Be a pr!ck and win.
You want to sit somewhere and claim it as your cube, do it. You want free coffee? Go to the cafe, pour it and walk out. You want to leave your stuff in a cube? Do it. You want to leave early? Do it.
If you get a new job, don’t give 2 weeks notice. Leave that day, take your two week vacation and hand in your laptop.
They’re fu*king you and didn’t even buy you dinner. Do it to them.